I love women. We've not been over this lately. We've not been over how purely fantastic the female form and psyche is. Today I just want to cuddle womankind. I want to buy womankind flowers and comic books. I want to dance with womankind. I'm just so happy and so in love with my fellow woman. I think this was all brought on by having to go back into the closet for a short period. I realized how stifling that closet is and now that I've no need to be in that closet, I feel like I should make sure womankind knows how much love she has from me. My heart, body, and soul belongs to womankind. I'm thrilled to be a woman; thrilled to love women; thrilled to be loved by women. It's like a reawakening. Remembering that I'm gay. Being in a relationship also quieted my need to be out. Out and proud. Out and proud. I hope I'm explaining this very well because I want others to know this feeling. It's great. It's totally security and happiness within your own form and with those surrounding you.

I suppose that's all I needed to tell you.

Around one, that's when I'll be finding out if Mercedes is pregnant. I'll be leaving subsequently after. I'm going to go visit her and come up with a plan for this whole baby business. And then I'll be headed out to Yakima to stay with Matt.

My phone won't be working, so just continue contact via cyberspace.

I'm so happy today.

Emily told me to listen to this song before I was ever even temporarily committed and now it feels only that much more right.

Internet, oh, internet, how I've missed you so.
For the past month or so I vanished not by choice, but by lack of computer. It's ironic when you can get internet, but you lack the computer to do so. Anywhooo, things have been generally exhausting. A bit of bad, a bit of good and too much time in the isolation tank. Who wants to do something? Someone should because who would rather do nothing. Either way, I'm off because I'm using a library computer and permanently paranoid about spies. Adios.

Isolation.
Complete and utter isolation.
That's not exactly true. I'm suddenly really grateful that I have other people pacing with me. I just wish I could simply go to the hospital and ask and they'd answer the magic question.
I will not elaborate on what I'm speaking about. No, no, no, not until I know.
Someone tell me about their day. Come over and eat lots of ice cream with me. And pay no mind when I randomly begin to sob.

I'm pretty sure this song would be on a Sarah Life Soundtrack and that my obsession with it will just simply never end. The Nico version is amazing, but I very much love Mates of State as well. -cuddles computer-

Please tell me about your life.

Late night fishing trips
Time with Hoyt and friends
Couchsurfers
Job interview in the morning

Things are good. I think.
I'm so immensely happy right this second.

Yes! Yes! Yessssssssssss!
I got another couchsurfing reply and this time I got it in time and am not feverishly ill. I'm so endlessly happy. I wrote back and hopefully, hopefully, hopefully we'll have a couchsurfer crashing here for a few days. And hopefully I won't be all dumb and quiet and shy. Holyfuckshit, I'm so excited. Yay! I'm so happy. That is all.
Who would've thought ten minutes I was a little bummed out? Heh.
Also last night I painted one of my walls the nicest shade of red. I have all this leftover paint too, so I'm not sure if another wall is going to bite the green dust and be reformed. I think I'm going to paint the silhoutte(sp?) of a tree on one of the walls later today. Then hanging out with Hoyt and good stuff. Good times, good times.
I can't wait. For anything; couchsurfers or painting or finally getting to see some friends again. I'm immensely happy. That is all.

"Like Daddy, Like Daughter" by Gregory & the Hawk

I feel like singing sad songs all night
I feel like tuning you out
But you want to make it into more of a fight
Is this yelling what love's all about?

So go on, and tear me apart
Yeah just go on, aim straight for my chest
And maybe it's mostly my fault
'Cause if I'm the only girl you've ever had, I guess I can't be the best
I can't be the best

And I feel like falling asleep while you scream
I feel like tuning you out
But you want to stand up and make a big scene
Put the lid down, pick up the dog shit, and shut your mouth

So go on, and tear me apart
Yeah just go on, aim straight for my chest
And maybe it's mostly my fault
'Cause if I'm the only girl you've ever had, I can't be the best
I can't be the best

And I feel like singing sad songs all night.

Sometimes I feel like the songs are find are better at portraying what's in my head than my own words ever could be. I really miss my friends today. I wish I could go dumpster diving with someone tonight. I wish I could cook a ton of food with someone. I wish I could turn on a movie to ignore it. I wish I had company. Someone call me and come over. It'll be nice.
I miss you, you know.

Yesterday morning I finally went to the hospital for this eternal sick and after IVing me and taking blood and running tests and keeping me there for like six hours, they only determined that I have some sort of super virus. Saying Super Virus makes me happy, like it has a cape and theme song. The sort of entrance reserved for something so hell-bent on hanging out. The doctor couldn't figure out why it's been here so long, as in such young folk as myself, viruses usually bite the dust after six to ten days. One month later..Sigh. Generally, I still feel like shit. I've been running fevers, my muscles ache, I've been having muscle spasms, coughing, my head feels the size of a watermelon. It's just not been the best of times. Hopefully I'll be all ship-shape again soon though. That's all. For some reason I felt it was important to document all this.

How are you?
Very good, I hope.

I had coffee. Sometimes I get in this mood, where my brain offers up the idea of never eating again and only drinking tons and tons of coffee. Now, of course, on some level I know this is a bad idea, but it never does stop me from attempting yet again. All I want is to smoke and drink coffee. I made a twitter only to realize I don't do anything interesting enough to report on. I need to work on that. I should be working on that. Life should be more interesting than this. I need to go on an adventure soon. I need to see my friends more frequently. I need to see new places. I need to go swimming. I need to hide from those scary kids. I need a bicycle. I need something. I need to hurry up and apply to go to school in the fall. I should probably do that. I need to get on a career path. I'm not sure which path, only that I should go ahead and get on one that way I can hurry up and make the house from the one in Harriet the Spy. I need to hang glass bottles from trees. It's like a giant, colorful, wind-chime. I didn't sleep enough. Nightmares again.

The past few days have lacked any good vibes. I'm hopeful, but right now most all news is downright frown worthy.

After a mild freak out session earlier, I've decided that tonight is a perfect night to rebel against sleep. Sometimes I suspect nightmares lingering in the shadows of my brain, so I decide I will not give them a chance to surface. Instead I drink lots of caffiene and stay awake. I like doing this because I feel far more creative and productive when my brain is buzzing from legal chemical stimulants. Mir has pretty fucking fantastical music tastes. See Julie Sokolow. <3 I'm thrilled to be talking to people so much lately. It makes me feel a little less like a black hole. I have big plans later today and I don't much wish to see them carried out. They will be carried out, though as they are plans that though I despise, I am quite hell bent on making. I watched Last Chance Harvey and have instant love. Dustin Hoffman equals love, adoration, and loosened neck ties. I love how he always appears dissheveled. Anywhoo, I'm certainly embracing a film about two miserable middle-aged folk just trying to survive in their own little worlds. I think it says something about what people give up when they get caught in routine. It ends happily and I'm glad. I would've been most disappointed if in the end no one learned anything and they continued on as real-life adults usually do. I think that change is less often found among people who consider themselves to be grown-ups. I should probably go. As I type, I'm losing my inclination to remain awake. It's nearly six though. At this point, it's probably just easier to stay awake. Don't you think?

I love reconnecting with old friends!!!! -dances-

I keep making the same mistakes over and over again. When I do this, I always feel like I'm re-reading the same sentence in a story over and over.



I keep editting my thoughts here, so it's pretty pointless that I continue typing. Haha. I just have so much going on in my brain these days and I can't seem to speak a word of it. Secret thought processes. I miss my family, my friends, my health, and recognizing myself. Usually I can recognize myself pretty well, but these past few months I've done a lot I'm not proud of and I'd really like to start to see myself again.
When on earth did I begin messing everything up?

My hands are blue!!! Earlier I dyed Heather's hair and now my hands are the most fantastic and wonderful shade of blue. They started off more violet and I kept having to quote "Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory".

Also I'm going to Anderson for a week. My big sister needs me and so I'm off to shout at people and wave my fist like the little old man in my soul decrees.

Things have been good. Past things are the only cause for negativity. Optimism bubbles up and I think I'm going to turn my hair green.

When I went out to the trailer I found this infinitely fantastic dress, a few of them actually, and now there is so much pleasantry as I wear it and some pilvered high-heels. I feel so endlessly good today even if all I seem to successfully do is concern others. I think I want to go through a '50s phase. Most importantly, I want to go through a pantless phase. I no longer desire to wear pants; just dresses and skirts and such. Life is good today. Fingers crossed and Jim Beam mixed with Diet Coke. I should get a hobby.

It's one of those days where all I want to do is put on my prettiest dress, drink a shot or two, and possibly dance with someone in the parking lot. Not romantic dancing. Not love dancing. The dancing of people who need to move because if they stop then what's the point. I just want to jump up and down. I want to shout. I want to adventure. I want to throw caution to the wind. I want to feel good today. I'm so, so sick of feeling bad. So let's just put all our bad feelings and misconceptions into a shoe box; we'll tuck it under the bed for now and come back to them in the morning. Adios.

I'll be lacking internet connection for a while, so if anyone needs me call or text or something. That is all.